my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
