Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
