is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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