the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
false alarm, still single
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