I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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