i'm signing you up for texting rehab
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
