When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
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Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
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Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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