After last night, I could never be a politician.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
The Olympian is in my bed
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
