i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
