she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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