We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
they're like a gay fantastic four
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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