no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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