Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Duck Duck Cougar?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
