It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
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I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
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She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
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