dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
