seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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