I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
