why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
