Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
