Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
