I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
