on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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