i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
