i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
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Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
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Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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