____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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