I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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