Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
