hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
