He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I am available for nakedness
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
