i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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