watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you didnt know i had herpes?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
