I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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