Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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