Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
