Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
