Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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