guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
