He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
