my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
