suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
