if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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