Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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