Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
