Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
