My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
