this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
