It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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