he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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