Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
