your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
