i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
it's like heaven, but drunker
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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