I CAN MOONWALK!
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
