My first STD was from a foam party
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
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