listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
