theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
