if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
